As I write this, the term has properly begun, with lessons now in full swing after a handful of INSET days and induction for new pupils — the familiar rhythm across many schools.
This year, in my INSET workshop sessions, I delivered training to both Lord Wandsworth College staff and St Neot’s Preparatory staff on working with teenagers, aiming to unpick some of the stereotypical struggles that can arise during adolescence, especially within our boarding communities.
Much of what I share comes from experience, having worked in independent schools since 2012, predominantly in boarding settings. My reflections are shaped by years of observation and practice, but also by a fantastic book I recommend to anyone working with young people: 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People by David Yeager.
It’s one of those books where I found myself nodding along at every page, convinced of the value of a coaching-style approach to behaviour, rather than the traditional arms-length, “I speak, you listen” stereotype. It’s more Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting — compassionate, challenging, and relational — than the old-school authoritarian shouting from the touchline.
Because my boarding experience has been almost entirely with young men, and my current post is as Housemaster of a boys’ house, I feel well placed to focus this piece in that direction. Working with adolescents is rarely straightforward. I’ve seen the contradictions up close: moments of impressive maturity alongside flashes of immaturity, bursts of confidence shadowed by self-doubt, and a constant tension between independence and reliance on the adults around them. Yeager’s book helped crystallise patterns I had long noticed, highlighting the importance of belonging, purpose, and thoughtful guidance during these formative years.
A Whistle-Stop Tour of Yeager’s 10 to 25
Yeager’s research reminds us that teenagers aren’t unmotivated — they’re motivated differently. Their brains are wired for immediacy: rewards, peer approval, and relevance now matter more than distant outcomes like exams.
For many teenagers, particularly boys, social status often outweighs the lesson itself. The real “currency” is laughs, because laughter raises standing among peers. In those moments, the way they earn that laugh can push beyond what is socially acceptable — but the potential boost in the hierarchy matters more than whatever sanction might follow. Developmentally, they are wired for “now” rather than “later,” so the long-term consequences rarely factor into their choices.
This is especially true when insecurity runs deep, often amplified by social media’s portrayal of male life as endlessly confident, powerful, and optimised. Within that context, challenging or belittling a boy in front of others doesn’t simply correct behaviour — it risks stripping away his social footing. The instinctive pushback that follows is often less about the rule itself and more about defending status. By contrast, praising resilience, positive risk-taking, and effort in ways that carry social value tends to be far more effective than public criticism.
Respect and autonomy matter more than control. Teens engage when they feel heard, valued, and given choice, not when rules are imposed. Offering options, explaining why something matters, and inviting collaboration increases buy-in. It could even be collaboration to create a rule that then works to improve the community.
Growth mindset is not just about praising effort. True growth mindset comes from creating conditions where boys feel safe to struggle, see progress, and connect learning to a larger purpose. Linking effort to meaning, reframing mistakes as growth, and offering “wise” feedback, where challenge and encouragement are combined, makes motivation practical and believable. Crucially, that feedback only works when the relationship comes first.
Finally, the single most powerful motivator for teenage boys is relationships. A trusted adult who believes in a student, sets high expectations, and provides consistent support can achieve far more than any rules, systems, or rewards. Being that adult — the one who says, “I see your potential, and I’m not giving up on you” — transforms how feedback is received. This year, I’ve been using a phrase regularly: “I’m giving you this feedback because we have high standards for our community — and I genuinely believe you can meet them.” It frames challenge as an act of belief rather than criticism, linking expectation with care, and it works because connection comes first.
Grounded in Values
At Lord Wandsworth College, we emphasise unconditional positive regard — showing pupils that they are valued, while separating behaviour from character. That’s step one. From that foundation of mutual respect, we can challenge, coach, and stretch them. Sanctions still exist, but the coaching alongside them is what makes the difference.
Gareth Southgate’s Dimbleby Lecture resonates here: all young men need role models and values that keep them grounded and focused on what it means to be a good person. The real work lies in building a culture where those values are modelled, discussed, and lived — so boys don’t just see status as “who can get the biggest laugh” but as “who can make the biggest contribution.”
Within Sutton boarding house this year, I’ve boiled our ethos — Sincere, Understanding, Trustworthy, Team players, Optimistic, and Never giving up (SUTTON) — down to a single challenge in assemblies: can we all become truly great people? Not just good, not just superficially successful, but great in character.
This links directly to the wider community beliefs at Lord Wandsworth College: Courage, Awareness, Respect, and Encouragement — expressed as CARE. The Sutton ethos acts as a practical blueprint for living those values day to day in the boarding house. By embedding CARE in our culture, we give boys a framework to navigate social dynamics, build positive relationships, and make choices that reflect character over short-term status.
In a world where toxic masculinity remains rife, this feels more urgent than ever. Coaching boys with respect, empathy, and high expectations doesn’t just improve their school experience; it equips them to make better decisions, form healthier relationships, and step into adulthood as men who are value-led, grounded, and focused on being genuinely great people. And, of course, this is rarely a seamless process — these are teenagers we are talking about!
Louis Yates
Housemaster – Sutton House – Lord Wandsworth College
Categories: Blog